Random Acts of Gratitude

Bear with me while I vent for a while. I'm having a few problems here, and I totally need to sort my attitude out. You remember a while ago when we did the Random Acts of Kindness 7 day challenge? Well one of my random acts was to pay the toll for the person behind me in the Harbour tunnel. Which I did, and I loved doing, and I loved it so much that I made myself a new rule that whenever I went through a toll I would pay for the person behind me. And I have so much fun doing this!

Sometimes I just speed off without looking to see what the reaction is, or what the car looks like; sometimes there's no car behind me so I just ask the toll person to take the money for whoever comes through next; sometimes I slow down and see the car, but then zoom off so that they can't catch me; sometimes it works out that the person will catch up to me.

My favourite are the people who make an effort to catch up to me and give me a wave or a smile. The first time that happened it nearly broke my heart. I was going to bless this person regardless, but the fact that they made an effort to come up and thank me anyway, really touched me. One of the funniest reactions I had was a guy who drove beside me almost the entire length of the tunnel next to me, frantically gesturing to get my attention and screaming out "Why?? Why??" This made me laugh so much - this bloke just couldn't understand someone wanting to randomly bless him. Well, I guess it's not really in our culture to do this is it?

But what about the people who just zoom off and don't care? Like those people who you let them merge or change lanes and they don't give you a wave? Why does that hurt me so much? Does that show that I'm doing this with the wrong intentions? For the wrong reasons? (signposts commenter: hold your fire please) Possibly it does. Maybe I'm oversensitive, or expecting too much.

A couple of years ago I read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, have you read it? If not I totally reccomend it. It really changed the way I viewed myself, and other people, and my previous relationships. Its basic premise is that there are 5 different styles, or 'languages' in which we give or receive love. The wik puts it this way:

(the) concept of "love languages," posits that every person feels most loved
when love is expressed through one of five modes: words of affirmation, quality
time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Chapman argues that while
each of these modes is enjoyed to some degree by all people, a person will
usually prioritize one mode over the others and will not feel as loved if the
love is not expressed in that "language."

As a rough guide, if your love language is physical touch - you love getting massages, hugs, holding hands with people; acts of service - you like cooking dinner for people, running errands for them, getting people cups of tea etc; quality time - you enjoy spending time with people, and having their full attention; gifts - you feel most loved when someone gives you a present, no matter what the value of it; and words - you feel most loved when people pay you compliments or praise you. A bit more detail here. This really helped me to understand other people's behaviour too. I remember one particular guy at church who would always give me a hug, or put his arm around me if he was standing next to me. Since touch is not one of my primary love langauges, it used to freak me out, and I started avoiding him. When a friend figured out that his love language was touch, and that was just his way of showing friendship - I was safe to be his buddy again!

The flip side of this is that whatever love language you feel most loved by, can also hurt you the most. I did the test a few times, and it came out that my love languages (for you can have more than one) are overwhelmingly gifts, and words. So words, especially words, can really hurt me - somebody only needs to make a partially hurtful comment and it's wounded me deeply. Words are important to me. Equally someone's refusal (or ignoring) of a gift from me really wounds me. For me, giving someone a gift is giving them love, and showing them how much I value them. Somebody not accepting that gift, or not bothering to thank me for it, is like them rejecting my love, or rejecting me. (Yes, did you pick that up, I'm not just talking about random toll paying now) (but if you're reading this, then I'm probably not talking about you!)

I recall a couple of times (back in the day) asking boyfriends if they could please buy me a present? "Just a small one, it doesn't matter what, I'd just really like you to buy me something, I don't know why." and they would respond back with - "That's pretty materialistic of you Amy" or some such response, which I would agree made sense, but secretly I'd not really understand, and feel hurt and unloved. Figuring out (in hindsight!) what my exes love languages were, I see now that I was unconsciously meeting their needs, but having to ask for mine to be met - and then getting a refusal when I asked for love, because to them (not realising the importance of gifts as a love language) it was a silly request. (Ohhhhh... bring out the violins!!)

Well, anyway, I'm digressing. Hi, thanks for staying with me! So I guess what I need to take from this is that I need to be more secure in myself. And understand the reason why I give love, commit random acts of kindness, send people gifts, give people beautiful words. I give much because much has been given to me. I forgive because I have been forgiven much. I love others because I am loved immensely.

That shouldn't be so easy to forget, but every now and then I might need you to remind me :-)