Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Not drowning, waving

Ever have that thing where you're upset and somone might just give you a wave, or a smile, or even just a 'Have a nice day' at the check out, and you feel better? The kind of thing that makes you realise that even though you might not ever be able to communicate to someone exactly how you're feeling, and even if you could, they couldn't fix it, but that they've just shown you that you do live in a world with other humans out there, and we're all just wandering around together and that makes us all colleagues, or family, or friends in some strange way. Just someone being human next to you.

Thanks to everyone who gave me a wave (metaphorical or otherwise).

Turns out the sinking sand has turned solid, someone put a signpost up nearby to Mount Sinai, and the black clouds have mostly blown away. Thanks for bearnig with me during this break in transmission ;-)

Tuesday, February 05, 2008


I don't think too many people remember this blog, which is making it easier for me to be more honest here. (And to forget to post for months at a time, also, since we're being up front with each other.)
Today I'm wondering... things. Many and varied things. Or, perhaps, not so varied, more on a specific theme. And, since my needy soul feels better in talking about things, and there seems to be a lack of real people to talk things through with in my personal sphere at the moment, I thought I'd wonder out loud here, to the blank face of the internet. So here's some things that I'm wondering.

I'm wondering how it's possible to unload things but still carry the weight?
I'm wondering just what lesson it is that God is trying to teach me right now?
I'm wondering if God could buy in on the theory that P's make degrees, give me a Pass mark and move on to the next lesson already?
I'm wondering why it's so easy to hide?
I'm wondering where everyone went? And then conversely, I'm wondering why it sometimes feels loneliest in the midst of a crowd?
I'm wondering which decision it was that changed the scenery so much?
I'm wondering why it feels too late to change trains?
I'm wondering how it is that there's so much more to read in your tone, yet you don't hear anything in mine?
I'm wondering how deep it gets in the middle?
I'm wondering how high it is from the arch?
I'm wondering if I could even fit through the gaps?
I'm wondering how much it would hurt?
I'm wondering if I'll ever grow up, or if I'll just get old?
I'm wondering if the fringe really hides the tears that successfully, or if people just don't want to ask?
I'm wondering when the big things will start shining, and not just the small, unconnected things?
I'm wondering if the dry words in my bible could ever heal the welling pain in my heart?
I'm wondering if it's ever enough, of if the bar just keeps lowering when I get near?
I'm wondering if I could get anymore cryptic and still feel like I'm sending messages in bottles?
I'm wondering how I could lose this black dog?
I'm wondering if it's possible to ask for help in such a way as to not look like a loser?
I'm wondering if things will ever change or if I'll be stuck 'wondering' around Mount Sinai for the next 40 years?
I'm wondering if one day I'll have a stunning return to form in this blog, and be as witty as I'd like to be, and if that ever happened if I'd come back here and delete this post so that nobody knew that once upon a time my heart was hurting so badly that I felt the need to shout it out loud?
I'm wondering how long it will take before this feels like once upon a time...